The Bank Post

Please understand that this will not work for huge checks. There's a certain limit on the size of checks they will cash. My local walk-all-ova-ya branch will only cash checks under $5,000. If they're larger than that, they can take up to 7 days to go through.

OK, so, when you go to deposit a check, they always say it will be the next business day when it goes through or whatever, right? Well, you start to think, we've got a fuckin' space station but it takes the banks computers up-to 36 hours some times to process some damn numbers. We've got computers out there that can process billions of bits a second but it takes the banks computers up-to 36 hours some times to process and validate your check deposit. Lets not forget that a cash deposit is instant (that's the hack), so all of this bullshitting around with your money must be the "validating" part, right? Wrong.

The reason it takes so long is that they want to make interest on your money while you cannot touch it. That's all there is to it. Now, I'm not against a bank making profit, how else would they stay open? But the way they fuck people just seems rediculous. If you have lots of money, that's fine with them, they can just loan it out and make money on the interest, etc.. from the loans. But if you don't have a lot of money, they're not making very much interest on you, so they drill you with fines and fees every chance they get, which only makes your situation of not having much money that much worse.

Here's my fuck you to all of the banks out there.

First, you gotta fuck with them a little, you know, just to keep your life interesting. Walk up to the usually braindead teller and tell him/her you want to deposit your check as cash. A human will let you do this because they get it, they know what you're doing. You want to have access to your money, you're not necessarily going to spend it. But if you want to spend it, you want to be able to spend it as well. If they decline; first, spit on the floor because this person has no soul. Then tell them you want to cash your check, if they ask why you don't want to deposit anymore; tell them that you do but you'd like to cash your check. For extra fun, ask for small increments. Then tell the douche that you'd like a deposit slip and deposit that cash right back in their face. Now instead of waiting for them to make money on your money before you can touch it, you can touch it right away.

Works everywhere, so long as your check isn't for a respectable amount of money.
You can't keep them from fucking you but you can make sure they use as much lube as possible.

Another thing they do is, say you have three charges coming across at the very same time. You have, lets say, $105 in the bank. One charge is for $100, one charge is for $10 and one charge is for $15. You'd hope (if you're smart, you're just hoping they do this and not expecting) that they'd charge you overdraft on the $100 and you could pay for the other two charges, which would only have amounted to $25 leaving you with $80 when the $100 chrage comes across. They don't, they process from largest to smallest. So, here, where you should've only overdrafted once you've overdrafted twice, it'd be even worse if the $100 were say $110, where instead of only overdrafting once, you'd overdraft three times. That's when you wonder how you're $200 negative but really only spent $30 over what you had. Ouch.

To avoid that shit, keep a minimum balance. Doesn't make much sense, why have money that you just keep for padding, why doesn't the bank just change the way they handle their shit. If I'm letting you loan my money out, you should loan me that overdraft as compensation, that'd be fair, no? Not for them, they gotta maximize their profits. What I do is keep my emergency money as padding. Keep like a grand around, god forbid something should happen to my car, etc.. That's my minimum balance, my emergency funds. But this way you can make sure you can access your emergency funds, right away, should you need them. And of course, the bank is happy, they get to make interest on your emergency funds.